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How Do Lesbians Have Sex? Tips, Techniques & Sex Positions

By: Eva Bloom


how-do-lesbians-have-sexIf you’re a baby gay, a late bloomer, or a queer person just wanting some new tips and techniques for greater pleasure - learning about lesbian sex can be a bit elusive! Most of us grew up learning about sex from erotic materials, sex scenes in movies, or maybe the straight sex education we got in High School. Oftentimes, queer and wlw sex gets left out of the picture, and you’re left thinking “How do lesbians have sex?”.

What does lesbian sex mean?

Before we get into how lesbians have sex, we have to break down what “lesbian sex” means. When the phrase is used, people typically tend to think of sex between two cisgender lesbians, but the reality of lesbian and queer sex is more expansive.

For one, lesbians aren’t the only women who have sex with women! There are bisexual, pansexual, and queer women. Lesbianism also isn’t inclusive to cis women! Trans women can be lesbians, as well as bisexual, pansexual, or queer. Lastly, many gender non-conforming or non-binary people identify with lesbianism and can have lesbian sex.

 lesbian sex
Sapphic or lesbian sex, just like sapphic or lesbian people, is both personal and diverse. In terms of different interests, the sensitivity of body parts, genitals involved, and beyond. Every sapphic person gets to decide what types of sex they want to explore, and there’s no one-size-fits-all for having lesbian sex the “right way”. This is both exciting and can be intimidating. Unlike sex between cisgender, heterosexual couples, there is less of a “script” or set of expected behaviors you can follow. Releasing yourself from a set of prescriptive rules about sex is freeing and can lead to you having exactly the type of pleasurable sex you want, but it can also be overwhelming, especially if you’re new to lesbian sex.

 

Communication is always key.

When exploring sex without a “script” or assuming what your partner might be into, communication is essential and helpful. There are different tools you can use to make communication easier, especially if it feels intimidating or you’re new to sapphic intimacy.

 Yes/No/Maybe lists and Want/Will/Won’t lists are great tools to get you thinking about what sex acts you feel excited about, turn you on, and ones that aren’t for you. You simply create three columns on a piece of paper or a notes app on your phone and write down the different sex acts, words for yourself or your body, or even feelings you Want/Will/Won’t have involved in your sexual experience. If you’re looking for inspiration to fill up your column, Good Vibes has a free downloadable Yes/No/Maybe list here - or you can check out Scarleteen’s Sexual Inventory Stocklist is a great resource, Bex Caputo’s Yes/No/Maybe list, and Sexplanation’s 250 Sex Acts. You can write your lists separately and then share them with a partner as a cute date to start learning more about one another, or even text them to one another if it’s easier to start chatting about sex through text.

Sex acts for lesbians and sapphicsSex acts for lesbians and sapphics

Moving away from a “script” for sex, I love the framework of sex like tapas or a buffet. Where you get to see all the options in front of you each time and choose your adventure! There are lots of different options for sex and intimacy when it comes to lesbian sex, here’s a jumping-off point to start learning:

  • Hand sex (finger-banging, clit stimulation, etc.)
  • Oral sex
  • Grinding
  • Scissoring
  • Fisting
  • Making out
  • Rimming
  • Anal penetration
  • Strap-ons
  • Sex toys
  • BDSM/kink


Strap-on Sex

Strap-on sex and scissoring are often seen as cornerstones of lesbian sex. As with all sex acts, different people like different things! If you enjoy or are curious to explore strap-ons and scissoring, that’s great! If they’re not for you, that’s also great! There is no one single way to have lesbian sex. 

Strap-on sexStrap-on sex is another fun and sexy way to have lesbian sex! ​​Strap-on sex involves using a dildo and harness to penetrate an orifice (ie vagina, anus). Exploring strap-on sex involves exploring what style of harness & dildo work for you! There are lots of different styles, and a tip for picking a strap-on harness that works best for you is to think about your lifestyle and what might feel affirming. There are harnesses with straps, you can get them in leather (pros: sexy, cons: more expensive), or non-leather! Some harnesses come in fabric or boxer style, which can be easy to clean, and gender-affirming, but can take time to find the correct sizing to ensure the dildo is stable in the strap-on ring. Don’t forget thigh and hand harnesses! You can strap on a dildo to your thigh and have your partner ride away. Thigh and hand harnesses can provide accessibility and versatility to your play.

There are also lots of options when it comes to choosing a dildo that works for you! There are non-realistic dildos, realistic, and fantasy dildos! Ensure your dildo has a flared base to sit in the ring of the strap-on (called an O-ring). Dual-density dildos can also provide a great blend of both stability and cushion. Using a double-ended dildo can also be a way to provide vibration and stimulation to both parties, and using it with a harness can help secure it in place. Here is a great resource on finding the best sex toy for you and your partner!

When starting to explore strap-on sex, a great tip can be to practice solo! If you’re the harness wearer, get used to the feeling of wearing a strap-on outside of the bedroom, you can even practice thrusting. Communication is also essential when it comes to strap-on sex! Because you can’t feel the sensations of the dildo, the person being penetrated can give instructions on speed and depth to ensure things are feeling pleasurable.  

Scissoring and Grinding

Scissoring is a type of grinding, where two people grind their genitals against each other. Grinding genital to genital can require some maneuvering (stretch beforehand!) and trial & error with a new partner. Different types of grinding feel pleasurable and comfortable for different bodies. If you and/or your partner are plus size, scissoring might be less ergonomic for your bodies. Explore grinding (ie on a knee, thigh, etc.) that feels best for you and your partner! Using pillows, sex wedges, or leaning against a headboard can make grinding and scissoring more accessible. 

So, how does scissoring work? Sit opposite each other, and interlace your legs (one of your thighs below their thigh, and your other thigh above theirs). Exploring moving your bodies against each other to see what feels good. Either clit on clit, or more overall genital massage.

Hand Sex and FingeringHand Sex and Fingering

There are lots of options for pleasure and stimulation if you’re curious about hand sex. If you are stimulating someone internally or externally using your hands, lube is always a necessity. It helps decrease friction and increase pleasure in all areas. Start with a nickel-sized amount and add more until you find the right slickness that feels good to you. There’s no shame in using lots of lube. Lube can make sex feel more comfortable, less painful, and more pleasurable. Especially for penetration of the us, lube is mandatory, since the anus itself doesn’t create any lubricant.

If you’re penetrating someone with your hands, starting small and working your way up is a great place to start. Start by massaging the outside of the area (the vagina or the anus) and check in if your partner wants to be penetrated. Start with one finger and move slowly in and out, as they moan or press against your finger, you can check in about adding more. 


One technique for fingering a vagina is pulsing, where you keep your finger or fingers inside the vagina and move your hand backward and forward to provide pressure. The “come hither” is another common technique, where you arch your fingers in a “come hither motion” - either back and forth inside the body or keeping the fingers curled in and moving your hand backward and forwards. The “come hither” technique can be great for stimulating the g-spot or the p-spot. The g-spot is a spot inside the vaginal canal with a cluster of nerves, as well as the internal erogenous zones of the clitoris. The prostate is a similar internal pleasure center for people with penises that’s inside the rectum. Both are around 2-4cm inside the body and have a ridged texture similar to a walnut.


 anal penetration For any kind of anal penetration - with hands, toys, or a phallus, training and getting the body accustomed to penetration is essential. Exploring anal massage and penetration during solo sex before playing with a partner, and build up slowly from one finger or a small toy to larger penetrative toys if you are interested in this type of sex. Remember, always use a toy with a flared base for anal sex. This is because unlike the vagina (which has the cervix), the anus does not have an internal structure that stops objects from going up the rectum. Save yourself a trip to the ER and make sure your toy is flared at the bottom. 


Hand sex also includes external stimulation of the portion of the clitoris outside the body. It looks like a pea, has a clitoral hood (similar to the foreskin of a penis), and sits above the vaginal and urethral openings. The clitoris is a very sensitive body part, with around 10,000 nerve endings! This means that it can be very pleasurable to touch, either with fingers, tongues, or lips. This also means that for some people - direct stimulation of the clit with a lot of pressure before the body has had time to become aroused can be sensitive to the point of pain. To stimulate the clitoris in a way that is pleasurable and taps into all those nerve endings, be sure to build up around beforehand - kissing, grinding, touching each other's bodies all over, and even teasing with licks and sucking on the inner thighs can be a great way to build arousal.

Stimulating the clitoris indirectly via the clitoral hood is another great way to approach the clitoris. 

Cunnilingus and Eating Out

Cunnilingus and Eating OutYou can stimulate the clitoris via cunnilingus in many similar ways that you might massage it with your fingers. Licking up and down, or in circles are some of the most desired types of touch or cunnilingus techniques. You can also suck on the clitoris, or use your chin to grind against your partner’s body. The clitoris and head of the penis are homologous, so a lot of techniques are pleasurable on both body parts. Licking along the frenulum (where the foreskin connects to the shaft) can be especially pleasurable for some people.

How Do Lesbians Know When Sex is Over?

As with all types of sex, lesbian sex comes to an end when both parties decide they’ve had their fill. This might include a session with multiple orgasms, with no orgasms, with snack breaks, or just when it comes to start cuddling and watching TV.

Safer Sapphic Sex

Safer sex also applies to lesbian sex! There can be a misconception that the only type of sex that can transmit STIs is penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus, but that’s not true! STIs can be transmitted via fluid transmission. So that includes semen and vaginal lubrication coming in contact with one another, but it also means one person’s vaginal lubrication mixing with another person’s vaginal lubrication or mixing saliva and vaginal lubrication.

Dental Dams

Dental Dams

Some different options for safer lesbian sex include barriers like dental dams. Dental dams are sheets of latex that you can put in between your mouth and someone’s vulva or anus for cunnilingus or rimming. You can also DIY a dental dam from a condom by cutting up the sides and top of the condom and rolling it out. Latex underwear like My Lorals is also a fantastic option for protection. They look sleek and sexy and provide a hands-free barrier experience. STI testing is also an essential part of sexual health for lesbian sex. Getting tested regularly and sharing your results openly with partners before getting intimate helps you take care of both your and your partner’s sexual health.

 

Sex is About Exploration and Pleasure

The bottom line is, you get to explore the treasure trove that is sapphic intimacy at your own pace, and create your adventure! There is so much to learn about lesbian sex, hopefully, this can be a jumping-off point to keep getting curious. If you’re a baby gay, just started queer dating, or a sapphic who wants to explore new depths of pleasure, the world of lesbian sex is at your fingertips (literally). 

 


Guest Writer Eva Bloom (they/them)

Eva Bloom (they/them) is an award-winning non-binary, queer sexuality educator and community facilitator. They help late bloomers foster confidence, queer joy, and have amazing sex. They facilitate a virtual club for Late Bloomers called the F*ck Comphet Support Club, which meets monthly to connect on all things sapphic and late bloomer experiences, and a Discord. You can find them at @whatsmybodydoing on Instagram and Tik Tok.