Playing the Part: Roleplay 101

Maybe you want to be somebody else for a while–there may be no better place to explore that than during sexual experience. Whether you're kinky or vanilla with sprinkles, liven up your sex life and explore roleplay. This type of sexual fun can let you more deeply engage with fantasies; it can help you embrace new styles of play, like BDSM; it can even help if you tend to be introverted and shy.

What Is roleplay in (or out of) the bedroom?

Roleplay involves taking on a new identity for a while, organizing your erotic play according to personas that you and your partner adopt. Grown-up theater kids will remember improv! Roleplay is basically improv with erotic play or sexual pleasure mixed in. Just let your desires and sexual arousal guide you.

Why roleplay is a fun way to explore fantasies 

Start by thinking about roles you feel drawn to. You can do roleplay by yourself, but it's extra-fun and sexy when you have partners who want to participate too. And for that, you'll want to choose compatible roles. But before you even ask, "Hey, do you want to paint yourself blue and play Avatar?" try this: Meet at the park, pretending to be strangers, introduce yourselves by new names, pick each other up! Big fun, and you don't even need to wear a costume. 

Common roleplay scenarios and sexy costumes for couples

Seriously, just pretend to be somebody else! It’s the entry level roleplay fantasy and you might be amazed how freeing it is to let yourself do that. Other roles can focus on partnerships we recognize in society: star and photographer, boss and staffer, sexworker and client, doctor and patient, doggy and trainer! Some of these lend themselves to power exchange and top/bottom dynamics, but that is an optional angle of roleplay. You don’t have to assign dominant and submissive roles to each other. You can just explore what it’s like to take on a temporary new identity, negotiating–and choosing sexual activities–accordingly.

Dressing the part can unlock the delights of roleplay, so we DO recommend you explore the power of a sexy outfit, or any garb your persona would wear. Dress up for the Halloween party so you’re feeling good–and in a way that erotically inspires you when you get home!

The power of a costume is that the role it represents helps shape the logic of the erotic scene you can build while wearing it. You have different expectations of a person wearing a delivery outfit versus a French maid's uniform, right?

Costumes, leather, and lingerie can project gender, power relationships (core to the thrill of many BDSM activities), emphasize hot body parts, and help guide your exploration of the role the costume is associated with. And speaking of gender, of course crossdressing is a thing–but don’t miss out on the way you can play with your own gender by dressing up. Be yourself, but more so!  

Power play and roles

Maybe you and your partner know you want to engage in BDSM... but where to get started? Roleplay can help you get into character to explore dominance and submission. Are you a submissive secretary who flips the script on your bossy boss? The librarian who demands quiet by pulling out a ball gag? Let your imagination set the stage for whatever fantasy you enjoy!

Dominance and submission, like other forms of BDSM, requires negotiation and consent so partners can get on the same page and understand what’s on and off the table as they explore power exchange. (That term implies one person will take on more of a directive role and the other person will do as they are told–but specifics must be agreed to, or a safe word can be used to stop the scene.) And if you’re pretty equitable in your roles by day, roleplay really can help you shift into D/s playtime. Choose roles with an authority differential built in, which then helps you act out the dynamics you want to explore. 

Why add sex toys to your roleplay?

Toys can serve two purposes during roleplay: they make great props and sometimes costume elements, so the scene you’re setting feels more realistic; and they add sexual sensations and facilitate erotic experience! So choose your gear accordingly: how you want to present, and how you want to feel.

Building confidence with beginner-friendly toys

Exploring roleplay can be thrilling—but it’s normal to feel a little nervous at first. Beginner-friendly sex toys can help build confidence by easing you into new sensations and dynamics at your own pace. With the right tools and a sense of play, confidence comes naturally.

If it’s your first strap-on, try opting for a pre-made dildo and harness set that is easy to put on. If it’s a BDSM scene, pick out an intro-friendly kink toy like a soft flogger or furry wrist cuffs to add to the power play. (Remember to use a safeword!) As you think about your chosen roleplay identity, think about the toys that persona would use, and how.

And don’t feel like just because something is “beginner-friendly” that it will make the experience any less of a thrill; approachable accessories let you focus on pleasure and connection instead of performance.

Exploring fantasy scenarios with costumes and props

You can enter this from two directions: Choose the roles that really turn you on, and those roles can animate everything about what you do next, including the erotic vibe of the costume (you didn’t know a pizza delivery scenario could be just as steamy as a fresh slice? Wait til your partner shows up at the door with your favorite pie and a bag of sex toys!).

Or you can focus on the costume elements that are super-sexy and that outfit will shape how you experience the play. It’s the power of roles and costumes–theatre for the bedroom. And of course this goes for props, which may be there to make the role feel extra-authentic–or might double as erotic toys in your scene.

Exploring gender roleplay with toys

We mentioned gender play, and adding a strap-on is classic for this type of roleplay. If you’re playing dominatrix, your wonderful, terrible gear enforces your will! Any way you’d think to explore toys during solo or partner play, they can be made supporting players in a roleplay scene.

And we just want to remind you that you do not have to play with any gender in roleplay! It is an option, not a requirement. In fact, choosing roles that don’t rely on gender can be freeing and help you explore different elements of the play, be they sensation or other contexts for power exchange. Your toys and props, too, can help you build out your character and do not need to be part of a feminine/masculine dynamic at all. If a toy or garment feels gendered to you, you can choose something else–a more neutral color, a unisex uniform, or whatever appeals.

The Best Sex Toys for Roleplay 101

The best sex toys are the ones you and your partner want to play with! Just as with the roles you’ll assume, talk about that in advance. Unless you’ve negotiated it, roleplay isn’t a context where you just spring things on your partner. And if that IS what you like, we bet you’re not a beginner. (That, or read this article about negotiation and consent right now, please.) 

Vibrators and wands for power play

You can use these toy types for purely vanilla sensation, of course. Many people don’t think of vibes when they think of power exchange, but they’re great for teasing! And even better for making someone come “against their will” - an example of playing with power that is suffused with irony: The person wants to come but their partner tells them not to (while trying to make sure they do), or their role involves maintaining chastity while their partner is determined to subvert that boundary. (Remember: consensually. This is another form of playacting your roles.)

Incorporating kink and BDSM gear

To use roleplay as an entry to BDSM, you’ll need to learn about that playstyle and how to stay safe. In some cases the physical elements can cause damage if not done correctly, so get schooled! For instance, too-tight bondage can cause permanent nerve damage, so if this is not already on your radar, study up before you get the rope out. Suspension bondage is a form of play that requires training in technique and safety. Impact play can be done quite safely on many parts of the body–but some are no-go areas that can cause harm. Never hit the head/neck, joints, the spine or the kidneys with an implement.

Roleplay does not always include sadism and masochism, of course–only if you want it to. Some of the many play options that are part of BDSM do not involve physicality in this way, but if that’s where you want to go, there are many books and classes that help.

Restraints and cuffs for authority fantasies

Sometimes you just want to tie somebody up. And when your roleplay involves bondage, that means having safe, easy-to-use restraints on hand. You can take a rope class later and get fancy–for now, choose something with velcro or a buckle. You could turn that meet-cute in the park into a kidnapping scene (consensually!) and as you reach for your “newly-met” person’s hand, have a cuff ready to slide on and a whispered warning not to make a scene.

Safety note: In the park, or in any public space, be conscious of whether nonconsenting others can see. Protect your roleplay date from an unexpected visit from the (real-life) cops!

Blindfolds and sensory toys for surprise and suspense

For a perfect kinky introduction to toy play, start with a blindfold. Add candle wax or a toy that vibrates, pinches nipples (or both!) or does other sensory stuff, and you have a whole scene that lets you focus on playing erotic sensations like a violin. Don’t forget oral sex or other sexual acts. 

Murmur “Do you trust me?” and slip a blindfold over their eyes, making sure they’re in a safe and comfortable position. From here, every touch and word will be a heightened experience, since removing a sense keys up the others. Run your hands over their skin, lightly scrape with nails, apply nipple clamps or a vibrating cock ring, or engage in any other sensation play you know they love or that you negotiated.

Role-specific costumes (nurse kits, uniforms, props, etc.)

Maybe you have a pizza delivery person’s outfit in the closet already, but there are plenty of costumes made for roleplay that you can just pick out, put on, and explore. Take a look at our costume section and fantasize a little.  

And don’t forget that any vintage shopping experience might let you outfit whole new personas. Reuse, recycle, get off!

Beginner’s Guide to Safe & Fun Roleplay

The best way to start engaging in roleplay is to think about roles or scenarios that inspire you. For your next step, make sure your partner is into those elements too. 

Establishing boundaries and safe words

If you don’t both want to do it–or don’t like the roles or their implications–find new ways to engage with roleplay. Choose a safeword and make sure both partners know they can use it. Even if you are just talking, negotiate. Are there words and names you would rather not hear? Kinds of sex you don't even want to talk about? Your limits should be honored, so make sure your partner knows what to say/do, and what not to! 

Communication tips for new roleplayers

Before you take on your roles, negotiate what you want, what you don’t, and what’s comfortable. Establish a safeword that wouldn’t come up on ordinary communication (in or out of your chosen roles). It can be hot and effective to add language consistent with your role, too, and you can use it to negotiate and request things as well as to add realism. When you’re playacting a medieval prince/ess you will probably say “my liege” way more than usual.

Roleplay for the shy

It can be challenging to engage in new kinds of erotic play if you're shy. Roleplay can be a way to sideline your shyness as you explore what it's like to be that character with all that power. Exhibitionism for the Shy helps people who feel stuck in nervousness, and the book is full of ideas, roleplay being one. Roleplay is, let's face it, play. It's free-form, but gives you inspiration and context. Some insights: 

• Begin with fantasies you’re genuinely into. Those will come charged up with more erotic inspiration and may help bypass shyness.

• When negotiating what you’ll do, focus on erotic activities that you know you like. Wait to try out new options til the roleplay aspect doesn’t feel so new and possibly nerve-wracking.

• If you’re not an ex-theatre kid who feels comfy with improv, choose a story or movie you like and focus on those roles–you know about those characters already and it might be easier to embody them. 

• If you have a submissive streak, negotiate your limits and then ask your partner to run your roleplay scene. You can (both) still use your safeword! But you might be extra-inclined to obey if that’s what you already enjoy, so choose roles that let that quality into your play.

• Think about what sexy language you like and what you actually don’t. Use the terms you’re into when you talk dirty! (IF you do–it’s possible to roleplay without much talk, depending on the scenario.) Warm yourself up during masturbation by talking then–it’s a safe space to practice and no one needs to know. 

Speaking of inspiration…

Honestly, you don't have to do anything physical if you're not ready… just speak, incorporating your chosen role. This is a sexy way to get into erotic talk, too–and erotic talk is a great support for roleplay, the two types of play go together beautifully. You can also use it to explore whether you want to put on an outfit, try a new sex act, dip your toe in power play. Just talk it out! It’s live fantasy. If you need inspiration, verbally act out erotic stories you've liked. It's so much fun and it can help you decide what kind of next steps you might feel ready for. 

So... who do you want to be tonight?