Midlife Pleasure: Sex After Menopause - Tips And Tools That Work

How Menopause Affects Intimacy (And Why It’s Totally Normal) 

Let’s be honest: nobody hands you a playbook for sex and menopause. One day, your body doesn’t respond the way it used to. Suddenly, low estrogen symptoms like vaginal dryness, breast tenderness, or even cramps after menopause sneak into your life. Things that used to feel effortless, like having sex, may now feel uncomfortable, or even painful.

Here’s the part nobody tells you: you are not broken. This is normal. And it’s not the end of your sex life. It’s the start of a new, hotter one.

Why Does Sex Drive Change After Menopause? 

When menopause hits, your hormones recalibrate, and those shifts affect your sex life:

Estrogen: When estrogen drops, the vaginal lining thins and natural lubrication decreases. That’s why many women experience vaginal dryness during menopause and why sex hurts after menopause for some.

Progesterone: Lower progesterone can interfere with sleep and mood, two things that directly impact arousal.

Testosterone: Women produce testosterone too, and even though levels are lower than men’s, this hormone helps fuel menopause libido and orgasm intensity. A decline can change how strong arousal feels or make it harder to climax.

This hormonal cocktail explains why sex feels different. But here’s the twist: different doesn’t mean worse.

At the same time your hormones shift, you’re entering a stage of life where:

• No more periods.

• No more pregnancy scares.

• More confidence and self-knowledge than you’ve ever had.

• And, according to research, women in midlife are more likely to explore kink, experiment with toys, and act on fantasies they never gave themselves permission to before.

In fact, studies show that many women report benefits of sex after menopause, including better orgasms, increased kink exploration, and feeling freer than ever before. So the reality is: sex after menopause isn’t about “losing” your old sex life. It’s about gaining a new level of freedom, confidence, and creativity.

The Importance of Prioritizing Self-Care 

Here’s something I tell my clients all the time: pleasure is self-care. And if you’re in perimenopause or menopause, reconnecting with your body is the first step to reclaiming hot sex.

Masturbation isn’t “maintenance.” It’s exploration. Think of it as pleasure mapping: touching yourself slowly, noticing how your body responds now, and discovering new routes to arousal. Maybe your nipples are more sensitive. Maybe your inner thighs crave more pressure. Maybe your clit responds differently.

This is about becoming your own best lover.

Try this:

• Explore slowly, without pressure to orgasm.

• Use a soft, flexible toy like the Je Joue Ily Pebble, a perfect starting vibrator for rediscovering sensation.

• Explore a variety of vibrators if you’re ready to try different shapes and intensities.

• Support your body with props like sex pillows that reduce strain on hips and joints while you play.

Pleasure mapping isn’t about asking, “Can I still orgasm?” It’s about asking, “What new ways can I turn myself on?” And once you know that, bringing a partner in gets hotter, easier, and more connected.

The Best Lube For Menopause Dryness: What to Look For 

Say it with me: lube is your best friend. Not a backup plan. Not a crutch. A must-have. So what’s the best lube for menopause dryness? It depends on what you want and how you’re playing.

Silicone lubes: Long-lasting and silky. Uberlube is a cult favorite for a reason, it stays slick for penetrative sex and feels luxurious.

Water-based lubes: Great for versatility and safe with toys. Sliquid is a go-to.

Hybrid lubes: A blend of silicone and water-based, giving you the best of both worlds.

Sensation lubes: Warming, cooling, or tingling formulas are excellent for how to get sensation back when nerves feel less responsive. Try a clit warming orgasm balm to heat things up!

Pro-tip: Skip products with glycerin, parabens, and irritants. Stick with long-lasting, body-safe, body-loving options.

Vaginal Moisturizers vs Lubricants: What’s The Difference? 

This one confuses people all the time, so let’s clear it up. Moisturizers and lubricants are different, and ideally, you’ll want both.

Lubricants = “in-the-moment.” You apply lube before sex, masturbation, or toy play. It reduces friction and makes everything smooth, pleasurable, and hot.

Vaginal moisturizers = long-term hydration. These are used a few times a week, even when you’re not having sex. They work behind the scenes to keep your vaginal tissues healthy, elastic, and ready.

Think of it this way: lube is your lace lingerie; moisturizer is your daily skincare. Both are essential; they just serve different roles.

Here’s the winning combo: moisturizers keep your tissues supple all week, and lube makes sex comfortable and exciting in the moment. When you use both, dryness doesn’t stand a chance.

Other Tools to Help You Reclaim Pleasure In Midlife 

This is the fun part. Your body is changing, so your sex toolkit gets to evolve too.

External vibrators: Flexible heads and squishy materials are perfect if you’re feeling extra sensitive. Explore a variety of vibrators and discover what works best for your body

Small internal toys or dilators: Start with a small or thin internal vibrator if penetration feels painful and build comfort slowly. Dilators will come in a kit of graduating sizes so you can work your way up at your own pace.

Cock rings: Thicker cock rings can create a barrier for penetration depth and ease discomfort, like a squishy stopper ring.

Sex pillows and furniture: These make positions more comfortable, adjust angles, and take pressure off hips or joints. There is an array of sex furniture designs that can fit any physical need or kinky desire. The more you integrate into your bedroom décor, the better your sex life will get.

Gentle cleansing wipes: Stick with pH-balanced wipes and skip harsh soaps or douches that disrupt your vaginal microbiome.

Books Worth Adding to Your Midlife Pleasure Toolkit 

Don’t underestimate the power of a good read. Sometimes the best way to feel more confident in your body is to dive into resources that mix science, real talk, and sex-positive advice. Creating a home library with a range of menopause books that can help you better understand your body and spark fresh ideas for pleasure is a must. I recommend the following:

The Menopause Manifesto by Dr. Jen Gunter: Written by a gynecologist who’s both blunt and funny, this book smashes menopause myths and reframes this stage of life as powerful. Dr. Gunter also talks openly about libido, sex during menopause, and why prioritizing pleasure is non-negotiable.

Sex After Grief and Menopause by Joan Price: Joan Price is known as the “senior sexpert,” and she writes with warmth, humor, and zero shame. This book is all about rediscovering desire, trying toys, and saying yes to new adventures in your 50s, 60s, and beyond. She also gets very real about female arousal after menopause and how to keep sex hot at every age.

Each of these books reminds you that menopause isn’t the end of your sex life, it’s the beginning of a new, more empowered chapter. Think of them as your bedside coaches, helping you embrace your body, your desire, and all the kinky, playful, and intimate adventures waiting for you.

Can Sex Help With Menopause Symptoms?

Hell yes. Regular sex and masturbation can increase blood flow and vaginal elasticity, reduce dryness and discomfort, boost mood and sleep, and ease certain menopause symptoms. That’s why the benefits of sex after menopause aren’t just about intimacy—they’re about overall health.

So if you’ve been wondering, “Can sex help with menopause symptoms?” the answer is absolutely it can.

The Menopause Reality: Midlife Is Your Sexiest Season 

Here’s the part I wish more people said out loud: women in midlife are IN.

Studies show women over 50 are reporting better sex with their partners, more experimentation, and kinkier exploration than they ever did in earlier decades. You’re more confident, you know what you want, and you’re more likely to go after it. And yes, people are finding women in midlife sexier and more desirable than ever.

So instead of thinking, “sex after menopause is harder,” start asking: “What new things do I want to try now that I’m free of periods, pregnancy scares, and old rules?” Whether your menopause libido has dipped, spiked into high libido during menopause, or simply shifted, the right tools—vaginal dryness remedies, lube for menopause, moisturizers, and toys—can help you create the hottest, most fulfilling sex of your life. This is not the end. This is your evolution. Your body is powerful, your desires are valid, and this season is yours to own.

Annette Benedetti is a sex and intimacy coach based in Portland, Oregon. She hosts the acclaimed podcast and YouTube show "Talk Sex With Annette," which ranks in the top 2.5% of podcasts globally and covers topics from kink and queer identity to sexual healing and empowerment. Through her work, she challenges taboos and encourages judgment-free discussions about sexuality.