How to Masturbate If You Have a Vulva
Masturbation might be the greatest thing in the world. We are very, very here for masturbation. Masturbation for one and all, we say.
Masturbation comes with a lot of shame and stigma – and lots of myths, but we’re not about that life.
Everyone can benefit from some masturbation tips and guidelines to fully explore self-love. Whether you’re a beginner or a seasoned pro, there is a lot you can learn to change up and spice up your routine.
After all, it’s not like you’re going to learn about this stuff in school. Sex Ed in America is a disaster. The most you’ll learn in a classroom is how to put a condom on. There is zero focus on pleasure of any kind, regardless of gender or genitals. You won’t even hear the word “masturbation” in any sex ed class. Everything is focused on pregnancy prevention or abstinence. While learning about pregnancy prevention is very critical, that isn’t the only thing of import when it comes to sex.
Pleasure is CRUCIAL. We need to talk about pleasure, celebrate it, and hype it to the max.
Here is your complete guide to solo sex. Because you deserve it.
What is masturbation?
In a nutshell: Masturbation is the act of self-stimulating the genitals for pleasure – usually to the point of climax. It is an entirely natural part of being a human being. Masturbation is normal and healthy – and should not be feared or demonized.
Masturbation is, at its core, a tool for self-discovery. Many people need to masturbate to learn how to experience pleasure. According to data from OMGYes, only 5-15 percent of AFAB people orgasm through penetration alone. Only 1.5% do so solely by putting something inside their vaginas. According to the research, the vast majority of AFAB people masturbate by stimulating their vulva and clitoris – roughly 86.5 percent of AFAB people.
This means that most people with vaginas require (not just want, not just enjoy, but REQUIRE) clitoral stimulation in order to experience orgasm – which you’re probably not going to get during PIV intercourse on its own. Masturbation serves as a means to figure out what brings you pleasure and orgasms so that you can communicate with a partner to have more shared pleasurable experiences.
Masturbation truly is self-love.
Why do people masturbate?
The primary reason people masturbate is quite simple: It feels really, really good. Self stimulation is a simple and straightforward way to bring yourself pleasure. And that deserves to be celebrated.
Masturbation can also serve as a stress reliever, as it decreases cortisol (stress hormone) levels, and promotes feel-good brain chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine. Orgasms can even help you sleep!
Masturbation is also a great way to explore your own body and discover what brings you pleasure. This can positively impact sexual interactions with partners, as you come to the table better equipped to communicate what you do and don’t like sexually.
Is it normal to masturbate?
It is absolutely, 100 percent normal and healthy to masturbate. Self-stimulation is a radical act of self love. Being able to bring yourself to orgasm is such a profound and powerful experience for AFAB folx – especially when we live in a world that demonizes female and queer sexuality and pleasure.
Orgasms are an essential part of self-care. Giving yourself pleasure can be as fundamental to your daily routine as breakfast and brushing your hair. When we orgasm, our brains release a whole host of feel-good chemicals that offer a state of calm and well-being.
What are the benefits of masturbating?
● Stress reduction
● Release of sexual tension
● Learning about your body
● Building body confidence
● Help with sleep
● Experiencing pleasure and orgasms
● Toning the pelvic floor
● Pain relief
● Boosting immunity
Setting the scene before you masturbate
Before you start touching yourself, you want to be sure you’re setting yourself up for the optimal experience. This means cultivating a space and context that helps desire blossom.
Things to consider when building a sexy space:
● Smells (such as from lighting candles)
● Sounds (music, white noise machine, porn)
● Temperature (be sure your room is lovely and warm)
● Equipment (if you’re going to use toys, have them ready and charged)
● Calm (you want to be in a calm and relaxed headspace)
● Lighting (relaxing mood lighting such as fairy lights or a salt lamp)
Then, consider bringing out some sexual stimuli. Sexual stimuli can come in the form of pornography, from reading erotica, fantasizing in our heads, taking deep belly breaths, and dancing, touching our bodies, admiring ourselves in the mirror – just to name a few things.
Everyone is different.
We highly recommend checking out the Good Vibes erotic book section. If you want to learn more about how desire works, I strongly recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski and Mind The Gap by Karen Gurney. They are amazing, life-changing books!
Foreplay and warming up
Once the scene is set, you’re well on your way to a top notch masturbation experience. Now that you have the engine started, it’s time to get the body on board. Foreplay is just as important with yourself as it is with partnered sex. For many people with a clitoris, going right in for immediate stimulation can be uncomfortable, painful, or just plain old too much.
Start by touching your body all over. Rub your belly, thighs, and breasts. Follow what feels good. If a certain sensation feels pleasurable or intriguing, keep doing that thing. There is no wrong way to warm yourself up – it’s all about doing what feels good for you.
The idea behind your self-pleasure warm up is to get your body aroused before going full on with masturbation. This can increase relaxation, body-mind connection, and even make orgasms more powerful and easier to achieve. Additionally, it can be super-useful as a tool to communicate about your sexual desires and needs with partners.
You can always try using an arousal gel to help get sensation going. These gels are designed to increase blood flow to the genital region, which can increase arousal. Always patch test on your arm before using the product on your sensitive areas. We love this gel from Sliquid. (If you have any sensitivities, also make sure you check ingredients before you choose and use one of these products.)
Tips during masturbation if you have a vulva and vagina
OK, folx. You’re warmed up and ready! It’s time for the big show. Here are some tips to get you started with self-pleasure – or to up your game, if you’re a seasoned pro.
Always use lube.
Lube is a must for all forms of masturbation and sexual touch. When in doubt, a high quality water-based lube is your best friend.
Experiment with pressures and sensations.
Do you enjoy light touches or firm touches? Circles around the clitoris, or an up and down motion? Internal stimulation, external stimulation, or both? Get experimental. You cannot do masturbation incorrectly if you’re following what feels good for you. Don’t be afraid to try different things.
Follow pleasure, rather than orgasm.
We tend to have a real goal-oriented mindset around masturbation (and all sex, really). Paradoxically, the more pressure we put on orgasm, the more elusive orgasms become. Instead of trying to climax, explore and indulge in the journey. Self-exploration during masturbation is about finding what works for you and what brings you pleasure. Yes, orgasms are amazing and it’s completely valid to want them – but masturbation has the potential to be a lot more impactful if we allow it to be about more than just the big finish.
Breathe into your body.
Take deep belly breaths while you explore your body. Try breathing in for 3 and out for 3, releasing any tension you're holding. Try to focus on the sensations you’re experiencing in your body. This will help to strengthen the mind-body connection, making pleasure more intense.
Try different positions.
Again, curiosity is key here. You can try masturbating on your back, on all fours, standing up, on your side – it’s really about what works for you. You don’t have to “achieve” a bunch of different positions for masturbation to be amazing. It’s about finding the position (or positions) that is most comfortable for you.
And, of course, toys.
Toys are a fantastic way to take pleasure to the next level. Check out our toy recommendations in the section “Sextoys to help you achieve these sensations” below.
External Stimulation (aka: Clitoral stimulation)
External stimulation is the most reliable way that vagina-owning people experience orgasm. It’s a really good place to start.
Here are some ways to touch a clitoris – because there isn’t one right way, after all.
Grounding: Instead of going full clit, take three fingers, or your palm (whichever you prefer), and press into your vagina. A deeper, more grounded feeling may be more pleasurable for you. Direct stimulation can often be overwhelming.
Orbiting: Don’t directly touch the clitoris at all if it feels like too much. Instead, orbit the clitoris in a figure eight. It builds the pleasure up but doesn’t overstimulate a sensitive clit.
Tapping: Maybe you don’t like rubbing at all. That’s cool. You don't have to rub your clit. You can also gently tap it; giving it a brief sensation and then taking it away. You can build to orgasm this way.
Layering: Take the outer and inner labia and layer them over the clit. This may take some tinkering to find what really works for you. Don’t be shy! It’s just your vulva, remember? Having an extra barrier between your fingers and toys to the clitoris is a better way to achieve orgasm for many women.
Internal Stimulation (aka: getting the G-spot involved)
OK, let’s talk about internal stimulation because while it might not be for everyone, it can certainly be a fantastic pathway to pleasure for those who enjoy it.
What is the G-spot?
“G-spot” is much more than a spot – it is the area that comprises the urethral-vaginal-clitoral complex. “Spot” doesn’t even begin to go far enough. In fact it’s sometimes also termed “the female prostate” and is homologous to the prostate gland—that means it develops from the exact same tissue.
It is the tissue, nerves, and ducts surrounding the urethral sponge, canal, and back end of the clitoral nerves. Among its many glands and ducts are the Skene’s glands, which fill with an alkaline fluid during G-spot stimulation. At the time of orgasm (or even before orgasm for some vulva-owners), the fluid is released, aka: “squirting.” This fluid is expelled through the urethra.
Not every vulva-owner squirts, but we all have this gland. Many experts now believe squirting is different to female ejaculation, which is when the G-spot is stimulated and fluid is expelled from the urethral sponge and (possibly) the bladder. This is where you get that good ‘ol gushing.
The G-spot is a part of the larger clitoral network. It is the back of the clit - or the apex - which is located internally.
How to find the G-spot
To locate the G-area (yeah, we’re giving the name a rebrand), insert two fingers into the vaginal canal and hook them up towards the belly button, behind the pubic bone. Make a come-hither or rocking horse motion. This area should feel like a walnut-textured or ridged patch. You can do this using fingers, a G-spot wand, or a G-spot dildo.
Why it feels good to explore the G-spot
The G-spot is fun to explore because, well, it feels really good. G-spot stimulation can engage more of the clitoral body, amping up pleasure. It just gets more nerve endings involved – and that can be crucial for some AFAB folx to reach orgasm. Internal stimulation can also provide a feeling of fullness, which can be pleasurable.
Plus, you can enjoy blended orgasms – which combine external clitoral stimulation with internal stimulation of the G-spot. Keep in mind that this won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s definitely worth exploring. According to the OMGYes data, 12% of AFAB people masturbate by sometimes or always simultaneously touching their clit and vulva and inserting an object (usually fingers or a sex toy) into their vagina.
Sex toys to help you achieve these sensations
Clit suckers
A clit-sucking vibrator works by using a combination of air, suction and a little vibration to deliver orgasms on the fly. Companies like Womanizer and Satisfyer are the leading brands at the moment, making some of the best toys on the market. And, of course you’ve probably heard of the viral rose toy that has been making the rounds.
Some women and AFAB folx have even reported having orgasms in less than sixty seconds. The nozzle goes over the glans clitoris (the part on the outside of the labia). It then suctions onto the clit with a variety of optional patterns. Clit-sucking toys surround the clitoris, rather than directly stimulate it, which can mimic the feeling of oral sex.
If you love oral, you might love these toys. Oral sex offers a reliable path to orgasm, while also staying in the softer space of arousal to allow a person to drop more into their sensual embodiment. These toys allow for that softer sensation which some people may prefer to your standard vibrator.
If you're sensitive and don't enjoy a ton of direct clitoral stimulation, you might really enjoy a clit-sucking toy because they offer less intense direct stimulation.
Keep in mind that the strength of some of these toys may be too much for those who are sensitive—probably because the focus of stimulation isn’t spread out much– so keep this in mind when exploring. Everyone enjoys different things.
Clitoral vibrators
Vibrators deliver direct vibration to the clitoris and surrounding areas, designed to stimulate the nerves to the point of orgasm. Clitoral vibrators can include: Wand toys, palm vibrators, finger vibrators, and bullet vibrators.
What they have in common is that they are designed for external clitoral stimulation, rather than internal stimulation. These are the best choice for beginners who are just starting out on their masturbation journey – because they are straightforward and easy to use, while delivering the much-needed clitoral stimulation that most clit-owners need to experience orgasm.
G-spot dildos
A G-spot dildo is a non-vibrating insertable toy designed to stimulate the G-spot area. These toys are curved in order to reach this area. Some toys have girthier heads, some have smooth, smaller heads. Some toys are made of silicone, stainless steel, glass, or hard plastic. Each type offers different sensations. For example, steel offers weighter, more thuddy pressure, whereas a silicone dildo is lighter and offers less intense pressure. Some dildos are even “thrusting dildos” that are designed to do the thrusting for you.
For more on dildos, check out our complete guide to dildos.
G-spot vibrators
G-spot vibrators are designed for internal stimulation of the G-spot and surrounding area – with vibration. They’re a bit of a jack-of-all-trades, as they can also be used externally for some added clitoral stimulation as well. They are versatile toys which make them perfect for those who enjoy different kinds of stimulation. A G-spot vibrator is a good choice if you’ve experimented with internal play and have decided you enjoy it.
Pussy pumps
A pussy pump is a silicone or plastic, vulva-shaped device with a pump on the end. It is designed to increase blood flow and sensitivity to the vulva. They work for a lot of people, but not all - it really depends on the kinds of sensations you enjoy, as well as how the pump fits your particular anatomy.
To use it, apply a water-based lube to the vulva (for comfort - always use lube) and place the pump over the vulva, using the hand pump to create suction. It should be snug against the vulva and remain in place with a kind of low-key seal. Pump until it feels like it's comfortably puffed and then stop. Always stop if anything feels uncomfortable or hurts. Some pumps have electric motors, but I recommend the hand pumps to begin with if you want to feel a bit more in control. Some users find that they work best when their public hair has been trimmed or shaved—it helps the pump make a seal.
Multi-function vibrators
Multi-function vibrators are a rather large category of toys, as they include vibrators that offer more than one kind of stimulation. For instance, the Royal Embrace combines air suction of the clitoris with G-spot stimulation. Fourgasm combines anal penetration, G-spot penetration, AND clitoral stimulation all in one.
What’s not to love? These toys are for those who are feeling adventurous and want to try something a bit more innovative with their masturbation routine. One of the draws of these toys is that they can be used as their combined purpose intended, or be used for one kind of stimulation at a time. You get it all.
Masturbation, however you do it, is a thing to be celebrated. There is nothing more powerful than being able to give yourself pleasure. Now, get out there and enjoy!
Gigi Engle is a UK-based certified sex and relationships psychotherapist, sex educator, and award-winning author hailing from Chicago. She co-hosts The Bad Break podcast and her work has been regularly featured in high-profile publications like Glamour, Teen Vogue, and Marie Claire. Her fresh voice, trusted advice, and advocacy for the queer community have helped define what it means to be a sexpert today. She currently works as a sex therapist at The Therapy Yard. Follow her on social: Instagram, X (Twitter), TikTok, Facebook, and YouTube.
