The More the Merrier! Group Sex Basics

More-than-two-person sex, from threesomes to orgies and play parties of various sizes, is a big and popular fantasy. You don't always have to put your fantasies into action, of course... but maybe you want to! Getting access to group play is easier for some people than others--big-city queer communities usually have parties to be found, and there are swingers' groups all over the US that cater to binary couples. Some of us are more interested in (Western) Tantra, and others go for kink parties. (Especially focused on the latter--but full of useful insight for everyone--is the terrific book Playing Well With Others. )

If you can't find your way into an existing event, you can use the sexy apps to seek like-minded people. If you have enough room at your place to host, throw sheets on the furniture and start building a guest list. If you don't, look around for a hotel suite or temp rental that will accommodate. (Leave a big tip for the cleaner!) 

But just getting some people together for a sexy time isn't enough. There are some basics to consider, so take notes:

Especially if any of the people involved are new to this, make sure everyone's on the same page about issues like safer sex practices and standards; the kind of negotiation and establishment of consent that works for the group ("Do you want to have sex?" is not a detailed enough question for informed consent!); decide on a group safeword and make sure everyone knows it; have refreshments, but don't lean too heavily on alcohol or other party substances. (If you've bothered to find or create a play party, you want to remember the experience!) 

All of that means you (and any partner you choose to go on this adventure with you) need to consider what you want and don't want, what your safety and communication needs are, before you get into it. Think about that in advance, and talk about it if you have a companion. Maybe do the Yes/No/Maybe list to help you consider your boundaries and spell out your enthusiasm (or fantasy outcomes). Remember that next you'll have to tell friendly strangers what you want, and don't want! If the party's rocking, you might have that conversation with a lot of different people. 

And delicious erotic reveries aside--it might not play out the way you've fantasized! What can you do to pivot so you'll have an enjoyable time anyway? Be a voyeur? Offer yourself as a "sexual support person" for other peoples' scenes? Go talk to people sitting on the sidelines and help them feel included? 

Group sex is full of opportunities, but they're not all about sex acts and hot partners. Group players become very good at clear and comfortable communication, get to have lots of different sexy adventures (if they're open to them)--but the parties are not set up so you can just be a kid in a candy store. They're a way to take the sexual skills you already have to the next level, but not necessarily to deliver you all the sex and all the partners. 

Bottom line--if you dream of sexy puppy piles or hot threeways or pervy play parties or all of the above, you can get in good shape to enjoy them by practicing good, clear communication and learning all the ropes (see what we just did there?) with just one partner at a time. Then you'll be ready to scale up! Are you already an expert at all that? Then get out there! The sexy parties need you!