How to Spank
Lots of people enjoy spanking; giving or receiving (or both), and there are many different ways you can do it. For some, spanking can be part of a fantasy or role play, while for others, it can be purely for sensation. You can spank someone as a warm-up, during intercourse, as a way to tease your partner or as a way to engage in erotic power play. Some people like to use their hands; others prefer to use toys.
However you like to do it, here are some tips for making it as fun as it can be. As with all sexual experiences, some basic guidelines will help make the sexual expression more enjoyable and positive for all participants.
Talking About It
Both the spanker and the spankee need to want the experience. Talking about whether spanking can be a part of sex play usually works best when it happens before your evening of passion. That’s not to say that there’s no room for spontaneity, but rather, you’re more likely to be able to ask for what you want and hear your partner’s requests when you’re not turned on. After all, many of us have made decisions under the influence of lust that we might not have made under other circumstances. The clearer you are about what you want or what you might like to explore, the more likely it is that you’ll get it.
There are lots of ways to introduce the topic. You might try some of these techniques:
- “I really like it when...”
- “I have a fantasy about ______ and was wondering if you would want to...”
- “I really get turned on when...”
- “I’ve always wanted to try...”
- “Remember in that story when that woman got spanked? I’ve been thinking about it a lot.”
Keep it positive, and let your partner know how sexy and fun you think spanking is. However they feel, try to be appreciative of their honesty and understand their view as much as you want them to understand yours. Talking about sex is often one of the biggest challenges in relationships, so be gentle with each other.
It will probably also help if you’ve taken some time to think about some of the things that might or not be ok for you, such as:
- Redness or bruising. Some people may enjoy seeing some marks after a session. Other people may want no redness or marks at all. As part of that, how easily do you bruise?
- Do you want to try toys or stick with hands?
- How will you tell your partner when it’s getting close to too much? (A scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being “I need to stop” is a great way to convey that.)
- Do you have physical limitations that might affect things? For example, if you’ve got carpal tunnel syndrome, you might need to keep pressure off your wrists instead of being on your hands and knees.
- Do you want to weave fantasy into your spanking? If so, what words, positions, or other sexual activities will make it work for you?
- Since our limits may change when we’re turned on, how can you check in with each other without breaking the mood?
- Do you prefer a thud or a sting sensation? Checkout the Types of Sensation section below to learn more about thud and sting.
- Use safewords. Safewords are code words for things like “I need to take a break” or “too much.” They can be easier to use during the heat of passion and they give room for playing with fantasies where no doesn’t necessarily mean no. Some popular ones are “red” (to stop) and “yellow” (to slow down).
Some people spank because they enjoy the opportunity for power exchange and role play, in addition to the pleasurable sensations spanking provides. Power exchange is where one temporarily relinquishes control to other. Role play is great for all the actors at heart who love the idea of playing, whether it is: student and teacher, cops and robbers or patient and doctor. It’s always important to keep in mind the words of super-sexy expert Nina Hartley, “the role play is no more symbolic than what the players want.”
Role play can be as simple or complex as you want it to be. You can find inspiration in your favorite movies, books, and erotic films. Some people find that they return to the same fantasies, while others find that after playing it out once or twice, they’re ready for a new one.
A key component to having spanking be pleasurable is location, location, location.
Focus your spanking the buttocks. Always avoid impact on or above the tailbone, outside of the buttocks, lower thighs, the back of the knees, and where the bottom ends and the thighs begin. It’s easy to damage the tailbone or kidneys if your spanking gets out of the safe zone. And anyway, most people find that it feels best on their butts.
You can create different sensations by having the receiving partner in different positions. If they’re lying flat on a bed, their butt is less stretched out than if they’re bent over or on their hands and knees. Many people find that the further their hips are bent, the stronger the same impact can feel.
When we get spanked, more blood flows to the skin, the muscles relax and arousal builds. Warm your partner up with softer spanks. Massage the lower back, hips, butt and thighs -- the more relaxed we are, the better spanking can feel. Watch their body language for cues that they’re beginning to get turned on. You may want to include other stimulation such as genital play or light scratching and tickling to heighten sensation.
When your partner is warmed up, their skin will probably feel warmer and (depending on their skin tone) may be a bit pink. They may also relax into the sensation or make appreciative sounds. However your partner expresses their pleasure, make sure to linger here before taking it further -- you’ll be rewarded later.
Types of Sensation:
All spanking props whether they are a bare hand or paddle will provide sensation along a spectrum of sting to thud. Sting is felt more on the surface of the skin while thud is a deeper, more penetrating sensation. Some people have strong preferences for one or the other, some like both and some like one as part of a warm-up and the other later on.
If you’re not sure what you or your partner likes, start slow and ask. One great way to do that is to spank once and ask them to rate it on a scale of one to ten. Another way is to do two different strokes and ask which one felt better. And remember that what we like changes when we’re turned on and warmed up, so feel free to mix it up a bit.
Here are some more tips on different sensations:
A palm of the hand or thick heavy paddle can provide deep, resonating, penetrative yet dull, deep tissue stimulation. In general, it is harder to leave long-lasting marks with thud props, although when you do, the bruises may last longer since they’re deeper.
A light wooden paddle, wooden spoon, and a hairbrush can provide more shallow stimulation, a sharp biting. Try our Star Spanker or Slapper to experiment with sting.
- Different hand shapes
When spanking with a bare or leather-gloved hand, cupping the hand tends to create more thud while holding it flat with fingers spread creates more sting. Some people find that having the hand or paddle bounce back off the rump after a strike to be more pleasurable for both parties, rather than striking with solely a forward motion. Others like a “spank-and-grab” sensation.
Find a nice, steady rhythm. Some people like to time it to the music they’ve got playing. Just change it up every so often to keep arousal up.
- Change the Sensation
Work some light stroking, scratching, and rubbing into your spanking. Try incorporating the bristle side of a hairbrush after a few strokes of the opposing side. Some paddles will have a soft faux fur on one side and leather on the other. Play around with different stroking patterns and props until you and your lover find some favorites.
- Be Aware of Your Partner
The spankee can give cues that particular stroke pattern or strength is enjoyable by wiggling or squirming in your lap, or letting out a squeal. They can also let the spanker know something was not so enjoyable by saying things like: “no not there”, “too hard” or “that didn’t feel good.” Discuss, prior to your spanking session, what cues or safe words will be used and what they mean.
You may want to shift from spanking towards other sexual activity. After all, now that you’re both turned on, there are so many other things to do! But afterwards, it’s often a good idea to check in with each other. What worked? What didn’t? What would you like to change? You can have those conversations right afterwards or maybe a day or two later, but make sure to have them. It’s one of the best ways to make sure that the next time is fun.
If the spankee is looking a bit bruised, some arnica gel (available at many pharmacies and natural food stores) works wonders. It also helps with muscle aches, so it might feel good on the spanker’s arm, too!