Anal Sex for Women
by Cara Bruce
Anal sex may be one of the biggest taboos left in our society. Some people still view it as "dirty," "bad," or even "disgusting." For some women this is a major block. It may help to look at why anal sex is seen this way and to see whether or not you personally agree with these opinions. Many taboos were put into place long ago before we, as a society, were informed about the safety and pleasure of anal play, and are therefore outdated. For other women the taboo itself can be a real turn-on. Some of us like things that feel "dirty." There is nothing wrong with that. What feels good to one person may not feel good to another. It's important to recognize whatever you are feeling and know that it's okay.
For many, anal sex also carries the idea that the receiver is being put in the most submissive posture he or she can be in. Many people feel that anal sex is demeaning or humiliating. Some people enjoy this power play and may get off on being dominated. But if you don't, this notion may make enjoying yourself and relaxing even more difficult. There are many ways to deal with these issues -- you can examine them and accept them for what they are, or ignore them and enjoy anal sex as a sensual, playful experience.
Probably the most common misconception about anal sex is that it has to be painful. Sex should never be painful unless you want it to be. The anus is filled with many sensitive nerve endings and anal sex can be quite pleasurable. Many women can even achieve orgasm from anal stimulation or anal play can add pleasure to a genital orgasm. Like the vagina, the anus contracts during orgasm. If you are experiencing climax from masturbation or vaginal intercourse then having something for your anus to tighten around may even increase your orgasm.
Good communication is a key part of any healthy sexual experience. You may be nervous or ashamed to talk to your partner about anal sex. You can bring it up casually and see how your partner reacts. Once you are engaging in anal sex, it is crucial that you tell your partner if something hurts. If you are not comfortable enough talking about it then maybe you shouldn't be doing it.
You and your partner should negotiate how you are going to begin your play. Anal sex should be started slowly. It's important that both people be able to relax. Knowing what's going to happen may make this easier. You may also want to choose a "safe word" in case it is too painful. A "safe word" is a word that you don't normally say, that you say when you want things to stop. Anal intercourse is something that may have to be worked up to. It's okay if it takes a while until you are used to having your asshole played with. Your partner should be patient with you and be available to discuss your needs and how you are feeling.
Masturbation can help you become familiar with your body while you learn what makes you orgasm best and easiest. Anal masturbation is no different. It's helpful to play with yourself and see how much you can take. This will prepare you ahead of time for the sensations you may experience and help you know what you want. It's helpful to know what you like and communicate it to your partner.
You may want to start your anal play with a finger. Make sure your nails are clipped with no sharp edges, as rectal tissue is thin and can tear easily. Apply a generous amount of thick, water-based lubricant to your anus and finger. Inhale, and press your finger against the opening. As you exhale, relax and gently slide your finger in. Be easy on yourself and stop if you feel pain. Move your finger around, press against the walls, pull it in or out -- see what feel comfortable for you. Don't push it. It's supposed to feel good.
The great thing about masturbation is that you don't have to worry about anyone else. You can concentrate solely on your pleasure. You also don't have to worry about what anyone else thinks of you, your body, or anything that you're doing. Hopefully, you don't have to worry about these things with a partner either. But, a common concern surrounding anal sex is that you may be "dirty" or somehow unclean. Many women find it embarrassing to think about leaving traces of feces on their partner's penis or a dildo. While feces are completely natural, and sometimes this can't be helped, this worry is totally understandable.
An enema or anal douche may make you feel more confident that your rectum is clean. An enema is basically when you put liquid into your anal canal and lower rectum, hold it inside and then release it. You can buy disposable enemas in a drugstore. Some women enjoy getting enemas. You can incorporate this into your sexual play. You can also take a shower or bath right before engaging in anal play. A shower or bath can be a sexy way to get you or you and your partner in the mood and is also a great way to relax.
Anal intercourse can be one of the most intimate and amazing sexual acts you ever experience. Get comfortable and relax. A shower or even erotic massage can help. Remember -- you may not be the only one who is afraid. Your partner may be scared of hurting you as well so make sure you communicate clearly. It's important to move slowly and explore. Sex isn't all about getting there or "finishing."
Make sure you have condoms and lube readily available. Have your partner lube up a finger and massage or stroke the opening of your anus to get you ready. Have your partner apply lots of lube to your anus and his or her dick or toy. Then have him or her press the tip at the opening of your anus, then have them move slowly into you, while you call the shots. Your partner should enter you slowly as you adjust to see what feels right. Remember to breathe and try to relax. You may want your partner to stroke you slowly as they completely enter you. You may not want your partner to go in all the way. That's fine, just be sure to communicate what feels good. As you become more comfortable, you can direct your partner's motions until you have a speed and pressure that feels good.
There are many different positions you can try: side by side, doggie-style or with you on top. You should do whatever is easiest and most comfortable for you. If you want, you can stimulate your own genitals with your finger or another toy. The main point is to have fun and enjoy yourself.
You may or may not climax. Either way it's okay. The sensations of anal intercourse can be intense enough. Orgasm may have to be reached another way, if at all. Just try to enjoy anal sex for what it is without concentrating on the "outcome."
Lots of Lube
One of the most important things in anal play is lube. Water-soluble lubes are good because they clean up easily. Thicker lubes may be easier because they can be applied less frequently. Our staff at Good Vibrations recommends Slippery Stuff Gel and Please Gel Lubricant. Remember that oils and oil-based lubes destroy latex so don't use them with condoms.
It's a good idea to keep applying lube as you play so make sure you have your lube handy. Lube is one of those things that you can never have enough of. Incorporating lube into your anal play can be fun and erotic. Often the lube is cold and that can provide a different and sometimes highly erotic sensation. It's fun to get gushy. After all, being wet is often a large part of some sex play.
Plugs, Dildos and Strap-ons
There are many sex toys that can be used anally. Plugs, anal sex dildos, strap-ons... just make sure that your toy has a flared base so it doesn't slip up into your rectum. Toys are a great way to begin playing. They can be used for anal masturbation and can be added to vaginal intercourse. Toys have allowed anal intercourse to be accomplished in a number of ways. A man fucking the ass of a woman, a woman fucking the ass of a man, a woman fucking a woman with a dildo, butt plug or other sex toy, or two men fucking. Thank god for the strap-on!
One of the great things about sex toys is that you can vary the size. You can start small, like with a Sidekick and as you get more comfortable you can grow to a Severin. If you've never had anal sex before it's a good idea to start small and work your way up. There is no reason to jump into anal play with the biggest thing out there. Part of the fun may be growing into bigger and better toys. Don't be a size queen and feel bad about starting small, you may be amazed at how large that Sidekick actually feels once it's inside of you!
Your anus isn't inherently unclean. However, feces can contain bacteria and most vaginas are moist and warm -- two conditions that bacteria love. Never insert something into your vagina after it's been in your anus. Not even a finger. Condoms, or finger cots, can be used. They can easily be pulled off and changed if you want to move any toy or body part from the anus to vagina. Either that or make sure to wash your hands, any other toy, or body part with anti-bacterial soap and hot water before moving from your asshole to your pussy. Since getting up and washing isn't usually the easiest thing to do in the heat of the moment I highly recommend using condoms. I don't know any women who like infections and it's way better to be safe than sorry.
The walls of the rectum are thin and tear easily. This can lead to a higher risk of transmitting STDs, including HIV and even hepatitis. It is very important to practice safe sex and use a condom when engaging in anal sex.
Anal sex is nothing to be ashamed of. It can be a very pleasurable, intense experience. In the past few years we have seen a new awakening of anal awareness thanks to sex educators such as Tristan Taormino (Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women) and Jack Morin (Anal Pleasure and Health). If you are interested in exploring anal eroticism or simply learning more there are many books and videos you can check out:
Cara Bruce is the editor of Good Vibes Magazine, VenusOrVixen.com, Viscera and the upcoming Best Bisexual Women's Erotica.