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Get Outside: Remote Toys and Tips for Playing Outside the Bedroom

By: Carol Queen, PhD

Get Outside: Remote Toys and Tips for Playing Outside the Bedroom

If you’re like many people in a partnered situation, you may have wondered how to spice up your relationship. There are countless ways to do it–but one beloved strategy is sex outside the bedroom. This is a fantastic way to explore different scenarios, environments, and types of play–including incorporating remote adult toys. One partner holds the controls, the other enjoys the sensations. Of course you can play with this kind of toy locked in your bedroom and explore remote control orgasm in complete privacy. But it can be extra-spicy to take it outside! Here’s what you need to know.  

Why changing your environment can spice up your sex life

This much-fantasized-about play refreshes your sex life even if you have exactly the same kind of sex you usually do, because your environment is different. Just one way of realizing that the brain is the biggest sex organ! And adding toys adds even more new mental (and physical!) sensation. It can introduce an element of power play if you both like that, and even exhibitionism (or just the potential of it, whether or not anyone can actually see you).  

Spicing up long term relationships is easy when you get on the same page. And this means it IS extremely important for both partners to enthusiastically consent to new ways to explore, and in turn that you can communicate well. If you don’t feel that you can, start your journey toward a sexier future together with a sex therapist, couples’ counselor, or coach. 

Long distance relationships can benefit from this kind of play too–in fact, remote control sex toys are perfect for partners who don’t live together. They let you share pleasure and orgasm even if you’re miles apart. Whether you use teledildonics-inspired toys that let each partner simultaneously enjoy their own dildo, sleeve, or remote control vibrator, or one partner holds the controls and pleasures (or surprises!) the other, these toys keep couples connected. 

Safe (and legal) places to try having sex

Safe (and legal) places to try having sex

We’re not going to urge you to go out and put on a show in the town square. The passers-by will not have given you consent for that, for one thing. Plus in many places, public sexual behavior is against the law, and we want you to go home after your adventure, not to jail. Public play can also be dangerous if it upsets onlookers or encourages anyone to non-consensually join in. We want safe and spicy. So where do we find that? 

Some fans of public play choose remote enough locations that the possibility of their being seen is very low. Some seek out places where everyone is in on the fun–play parties or other public sex venues. Still others are extremely discreet with their behavior and choose venues where they are not likely to be seen doing sexy things even when they are doing them–like enjoying a remote control panty vibrator or insertable sex toy at a noisy club or a dance party.  

If you really want to scare the horses, you can do it–through dirty talk and fantasy. When you spin a story together in private, it can be as public as your imaginations allow! 

Playing at a hotel

Playing at a hotel

And when you travel (or even just leave the kids with a trusted sitter for date night), you can check into a hotel and experience the novelty of a new locale. Does it have enormous windows? So much the better! Even if you are not in view of anyone, imagine (if it turns you on to do so) that everyone in the other wing of the hotel can see in. If you want to be extra-frisky, pretend to pick each other up at the hotel bar. 

Exploring different rooms of your home

Maybe you’re ready for baby steps now, but not getting it on in public public. Do you usually make love in the bedroom? Take it outside–that room! See if you can get comfy on (or bent over) the sofa. Lean up against the dryer during spin cycle. Use your remote control playthings to add spice in the kitchen. 

Is your car safely parked in the garage or hidden away in your private driveway? Go have sex in there! 

Connecting in the garden or yard

Connecting in the garden or yard

Perhaps your back yard or garden has enough privacy to provide you an erotic oasis that’s just out the door. But look all around first, to make sure that the upstairs residents next door can’t look right down and see your antics… oh, and watch out for poison ivy.

Change the time and style of play

Even changing when you get playful with each other (afternoon instead of nighttime, a weekday morning instead of the weekend) will evoke that experience of novelty many look for when they’ve gotten into an unchanging routine. Switch it up! Or add a little roleplay, flirt and tease when your partner isn’t expecting it, bring out the toys, or play a round of Truth or Dare. 

Using remote controlled vibrators around the house at unexpected times

Using remote controlled vibrators around the house at unexpected times

Another way to introduce novelty and change is for one of you to wear a toy (the insertable kind, or a panty vibe or remote cock ring), hand the remote control to your partner, and go about your day. Perhaps when you least expect it, you’ll get a technological invitation to play! 

If you’re going to explore this kind of fun–and it can be great fun!--talk about it first. Make sure you negotiate any limits (“Don’t turn the vibrator on if anyone else is in the house with us,” for instance). 

How remote toys work

A long distance vibrator or other adult toy works via the internet, so you’ll need wireless and in many cases a specialized app to get them to function. Some types can be bought in pairs so you can use them at the same time. Remote control toys that work in the same room are powered differently–these are more like garage door openers and have a set distance within which the remote control will operate the matching toy. 


How to use a remote control sex vibe or toy

Firstly, a remote toy can be insertable, but it does not need to be. Externally-worn toys (panty vibes, cock rings and the like) can often be worn comfortably for longer stretches of time, which can be a plus. For internal toys like eggs and anal plugs, plan your play duration and venue so you’re not wearing a toy longer than is comfy. (Only use anal-safe toys for backdoor play, which means they are not rough, sharp, breakable or scratchy and they have a base to keep them from slipping inside. And insertables in any orifice must be used with a compatible lubricant.)

You can get a dildo with remote (which may vibrate or thrust), but this isn’t the kind of toy you can comfortably wear all evening or while you’re moving around, so for “go to the disco” or “surprise me while I’m making dinner” play, a remote anal plug or egg vibrator that fits well is a wiser choice. 

Play ideas for your remote control sex toy

Play ideas for your remote control sex toy

Nothing says “I miss you when you aren’t here” like a sex toy sesh over the internet! No matter how far you are from your playmate, app-controlled toys allow for control and play at any distance - whether it’s across the room or across the globe. Explore phone sex or video chat while you connect via your toys.

Take it for a spin out in the world–in a private place, or at a club where you won’t draw too much attention to yourself. OR, if attention is what you’re looking for, seek out play parties or other sex-focused environments to explore the fantasy and excitement of voyeurism and exhibitionism.

Communication is always key, even for more spontaneous encounters, so make sure to negotiate surprise vibrations at home! 


Risks and precautions of public sex

Make sure you have a safeword you agree on when you go out into the wild (or the dance party). If either partner becomes scared or concerned about possible exposure, you want to be able to quickly stop your scene. 

Don’t use your toys (or otherwise get sexy) where non-consenting people can see you- remember: consent includes anyone and everyone involved, and that means that anyone that can see or hear you becomes part of that scene, and you need to be aware of these boundaries. (And potentially avoid both moral and legal issues that can arise from public play if you get caught.)

Practice with your toys at home if you think you want to take them out to play–do they make sound? Can the wearer get super-turned on or have an orgasm without letting on? Stealthy sex is fun but you might need to practice. 

Good luck and have fun out there!