How to Explore Kink When You’re Single

Whips, ropes, and chains, oh my! When most people think of kink and BDSM, they tend to envision these dramatic and intense scenes that would probably intimidate anyone who is used to more traditional, “vanilla” sex. The portrayals you see in movies and TV are often over-the-top and make kink seem less accessible to the average person, especially if you’re single.

After all, you can’t really get kinky without another person to try things with, right?

Wrong. In fact, there’s a whole world of possibilities waiting for you if you’re flying solo — you just have to learn how to explore kink when you’re single. 

Exploring Kink On Your Own Terms 

Some aspects of kink, particularly BDSM, do usually involve two or more people. In dynamics that involve power exchange, like dominance and submission, it’s kind of hard to engage without another person to assume the other role. But exploring kink alone doesn’t have to be complicated, and there are plenty of ways to explore your sexual desires and interests without another person. 

Exploring kinks in general can provide a ton of benefits, both physically and mentally. Many people who engage in a kinky lifestyle find that it deepens their connections, empowers them sexually, and makes them a more open-minded and sex-positive person. Personally, the journey I’ve taken in embracing kink and my role as a submissive has helped tremendously in healing some of my religious trauma from growing up in purity culture, and I feel so much more in control by taking that power back in my sexual life. 

You can experience these benefits, and more, by trying kink for the first time as a single person. Doing so on your own time and terms can help you become more confident — both in your body and your sexuality — and can teach you how to advocate for your needs, desires, and how to communicate those to any future partners. It can also help you become more comfortable trying new things in the bedroom, and teach you how your body responds to certain sensations, techniques, or even toys and props. The best part? You can do so with zero interruptions, zero pressure, and zero time constraints.

How To Explore Kinks Without a Partner 

Even when you’re solo, your introduction to kink can look similar to that of people in a relationship. There’s an endless amount of resources available, though, so it can be hard to narrow down where to start. Before you dive into all the books, courses, videos, or blogs available, it’s helpful to figure out what you’re looking for, first. This means figuring out what fantasies and desires you have, kinks or fetishes you’re curious about, and what feels best for your body. 

This initial exploration can be as easy as writing it all down. You can designate a journal specifically for your sexual musings, adventures, and desires, which can help you brain dump all your ideas and narrow down what you’re most excited about, regardless of whether those things may involve a partner. Similarly, you can create a kinky sex bucket list — anything you’re tingling to try and plan to pursue whenever possible. This process can get your creative juices flowing so that you can get those other juices flowing, if you catch my drift. 

When you’re ready to get at it, a variety of toys and tools can help you start. A sex toy mount is a great option for solo folks with a vulva. The Liberator Pulse Sex Toy Mount offers two slots that can be used for a variety of different sex toys, like a wand vibrator or a dildo, and is easy to use alone or with a partner. The curved design is made to simulate the rocking movement of penetration, so you can experiment with all kinds of positions and angles without needing another person. 

If you’re curious about experimenting with power dynamics a la BDSM while you’re single, using something like the Sportsheets Heartbound Lace Day Collar can be a relatively inconspicuous way to see if you enjoy the feeling of being collared in a possessive power exchange. As a bonus, collars like this one can be worn as a fashion piece — and you can always use it in a relationship if you need to in the future. Write down how wearing a collar makes you feel, and the new things it makes you want to try out.

Solo Kink Play: Learning Through Pleasure 

You may think it’s hard to incorporate kink and BDSM play into your sex life when you’re single, but there are actually a number of ways you can discover kinks to explore and fantasies you want to try. You can start by adding kinky tools, techniques, and themes into your self-pleasure sessions. For example, experimenting with something simple like temperature play can help you figure out what your body best responds to. Use ice cubes on your nipples or try a body-safe wax candle on yourself and see how you feel. 

There are also plenty of BDSM sex toys and accessories that can be used both solo and with a partner. Nipple clamps, for example, are another great way to figure out whether you enjoy pain-related sensations, nipple play, and if that’s a highly erogenous zone on your body. If the idea of clamps intimidates you, something like the Sex and Mischief Nipple Suckers could be a great alternative to work your way up. 

Using tools traditionally known for their involvement in kink play with two or more people, like floggers or wartenberg wheels, is also possible when you’re engaging in self-pleasure. Even kink art techniques like shibari — rope tying — can be fun to incorporate a first-time bondage experience and try it out on your own. 

Just be sure to be mindful and take precautions in terms of safety; if you try shibari, for example, there won’t be another person to help you get out of a tie if you get stuck, so it’s a good idea to always have some emergency scissors nearby (like the Temptasia Safety Scissors). Even when you’re having sex solo, there could be risks when using certain tools or toys, so be sure to set yourself up for both safety and success.

From Online To IRL: Finding Kink Communities And Events

Being single doesn’t ever have to stop you from exploring your sexuality and diving into the wild world of kink. Still, it’s very understandable to want to build community and learn from the expertise and experiences of others — even if you aren’t necessarily looking for a partner to get kinky with. Luckily, there are plenty of ways to meet and connect with other people who are also interested in the same things.

If you know anyone who is tapped into their local kink community, you’ve likely heard of FetLife. If not, you’re in for a real treat! FetLife is, essentially, like Facebook for kinky people. You can meet new people, form relationships, post or engage with kinky content, plan or attend local kink-related events, and even find people to meet up with if you find you’re into the same things. It’s important to note that FetLife in particular is very NSFW, so it’s probably best to access it when you’re in the privacy of your own home. 

Other places to look online for new kinky friends, events, or workshops would be apps like Feeld; Feeld is a very inclusive dating and hookup app for open-minded people, and plenty of folks in both the kink and non-monogamy communities use it to meet new friends in the lifestyle in addition to finding partners for themselves. 

Reddit is always a plethora of information, too, with BDSM subreddits like r/BDSMCommunity and r/KINK having plenty of information and content to offer. Reddit is also a very “anything goes” NFSW platform, as well, so keep that in mind when you want to browse.

Many of these platforms will give you the chance to connect with new people in your area and find out about kink-related events, as well. In-person events like a Tantra festival, shibari classes, or workshops on anything from power dynamics to sexual safety can offer a great way to get active in your local community and learn plenty of new concepts. 

Building A Healthy Foundation With Safety, Consent, And Communication 

Contrary to popular belief, being kinky doesn’t have to depend on your relationship status. You can use kink and BDSM as a way to explore your own sexuality, your desires, fantasies, and even as a tool for self-empowerment. Many people, myself included, view kink as a way to feel more comfortable and confident in their own body. Figuring out what makes you feel the best and what brings you the most pleasure — with or without another person — can really bring about growth and more room for self-expression. 

If you’re curious to learn more about living a kinky lifestyle and all the ways you can incorporate it into your solo sex life, there are plenty of resources out there for you. Podcasts like Queer Sex Ed or Ask a Sub are a great place to start, and the Good Vibes Buzz blog has countless educational posts from experienced sex educators that offer insight and information on all kink and BDSM topics you can think of, from A-Z.

Owning Your Solo Kink Journey 

Although it can seem like there are too many ways to start your kink journey and too many resources to choose from, ultimately, the most important thing to remember is that it’s not how you choose to start exploring kink for the first time — it’s that you choose to start at all. Everyone has their own reasons or motivations behind exploring kink and BDSM, especially as a single person, so figuring out what makes you interested in it — and pursuing those things — is a great way to go. 

One of the biggest benefits to starting this journey while you’re solo is that your pleasure will always come first… literally and figuratively.

Stay curious, stay safe, and above all, have fun!

Lexi Inks is a lifestyle journalist, content creator, and an ABS Certified Sexologist based in Jacksonville, FL. Her writing can be found on Bustle, Cosmopolitan, Refinery29, Women's Health, BBC, Glamour, Popsugar, InStyle, Well + Good, and others.