8 Simple Ways to Improve Your Sex Life
There are many ways to have a positive and healthy sex life, not just one script, and different people will often have different needs–sometimes even different from their partners. We’ll explore some of the important and common factors here, but it’s always good to remember that there are very few absolutes and the belief that there is such a thing as a “normal” sex life is a myth AND a contributor to a problematic sex life!
8 things you should know
Frequency is not everything
More important than how often you actually have sex is how often you and your partner/s want to have it, and the question of how compatible you are in this regard. Many people believe there’s a normal or healthy number of times a week or month to get busy–but instead, there’s a range, and this can fluctuate for many reasons. In particular it may change because of large life events (pregnancy and parenting young kids, perimenopause and beyond, health changes, stressful milestones) or even simple stressors like busy or conflicting schedules - we’re only human!
And it is very common for people in new relationships to have more sex than they will later on in their relationship, so don’t stress if the frequency changes as the relationship progresses - it’s not anything unheard of. The true issue is: How happy are you both with the sexual frequency you have?
Communication and honesty is key
- Partners are afraid to tell each other if sex is not optimal–or is even painful!--for them
- One partner may make assumptions about what the other likes or wants during sex
- They may assume incorrectly if their partner has a hard time getting aroused or coming to orgasm
- One or both partners might want to try something new but is afraid to bring it up
- The frequency (or even timing) of sex isn’t satisfying for at least one of them
- A partner attributes meaning to something that isn’t the way their partner sees and experiences it (very common example: watching porn and a partner’s belief that it constitutes cheating)
- Partners may ignore or fail to recognize each others’ bodily and emotional changes.
All of those issues and more might be resolved if you communicate! There is no more important technique for good sex and happy relationships than simply talking about it.
Be adventurous
We don’t mean you have to swing from the chandelier (not the best/safest idea TBH), but openness to trying different things can be an important step toward a rich and rewarding sex life. This might mean exploring new positions, trying toys or roleplay, watching porn together, sampling new kinks and sharing your responses to them. This is challenging to do if you can’t communicate comfortably, and can be a deep dive into intimacy and pleasure if you can.
Consistency
Many people wait for the desire for sex to strike before reaching out to a partner–and if stress or being too busy get in the way, sex can take a back seat or fade away altogether. As many sex therapists have noted, it isn’t necessary to wait on your libido; instead, schedule sex! Or make a date to be sensual and loving together and see what develops. Many people experience responsive desire, and their arousal ramps up when they start getting intimate–not before. So find time for each other and connect regularly–regardless of whether you have intercourse, which is only one sexual option, you will be keeping feelings of pleasure and your erotic connection alive.
Compatibility
You don’t have to find a partner (or more than one) who likes the exact things you do. However, being able to determine whether you like enough of the same things to be happy IS an important part of a happy and healthy sex life. This can mean many things:
–How often you like to have sex
–Your very definition of what sex IS–do you both agree on what can be included in sex?
–Your ideas about gender roles, initiation, normative sexual activities
And you’ll need to be able to communicate about all this to have the deepest possible understanding of compatibility. Many people believe that love is all you need–and maybe the Beatles did give good relationship advice, but love and attraction alone are not the only ingredients for a compatible and healthy sex life.
Consent is your bedrock
If you find yourself engaging in sexual experiences you haven’t been given the opportunity to say an enthusiastic Yes to, there’s a problem. It’s not always noticeable when assumptions or one partner’s desire takes center stage in sex, but both partners need to consent to sex every time! Remember, we don’t always want the same things (as each other, or at all times), and it is a mark of respect for your partner (whether they are Ms./Mr.Mx. Right, or simply Right Now) and yourself to make sure you’re both doing what you want to do.
Communication helps with this, too!
Do not be stifled by shame
Too many people have learned restrictive and shaming information about many sexual possibilities, and this is especially problematic when they have been taught negative messages about things that are actually part of their (or partners’) identity or desires. Shame is one of the most painful factors in a sex life that isn’t going well. Partners can sometimes help each other recover from shame (and should never, never shame each other for anything), but the real responsibility for ending shame’s impact on us lies with us.
It’s okay to get help!
For help overcoming shame, difficulty communicating, or any of the other issues that can impact our ability to have a happy and healthy sex life, you can turn to sex educators and their books and videos; attend classes or support groups; ask your partner for support; or seek out a compatible therapist. (If sexual issues are on the menu, make sure you seek out a sex therapist or at least one who has good training in these issues.) It’s okay to get help!
How does your health affect your sex life?
Sex happens in and via your body (including your brain), and it is possible for your sexual wellbeing to be impacted by your overall health and the changes that may become part of your life’s path. This has at least two implications: Stay tuned in to your health and wellbeing, both physical and mental; and take health challenges seriously, which includes communicating about them with your partner/s.
The Impact of Physical Health on Sex Life
Even when a person does not have to deal with ailments or disability, there are several basics of a healthful life that have been found to strongly impact sex (including arousal and orgasm) as well as libido.
Perimenopause and menopause are not health conditions per se; neither are pregnancy and the postpartum period. But health and wellness issues can certainly come up during these times and for some, they will have noticeable sexual impacts. If you are seeing sex-related changes (or other effects on your wellbeing), tell your doctor about them. If they don’t take you seriously, try to find a physician who will.
Speaking of your doctor–ask whether any medications you’ve been prescribed for any condition have sexual side effects. Surprise! A lot of them may, and many doctors wait for patients to speak up before discussing this.
A masturbation practice helps you understand the effects on your sexuality during times of change. Knowing your body through changes lets you understand its “new normal” for arousal and sexual comfort. This will be relevant to partner sex, if you have it, but masturbation lets you explore, take your time, and focus on your experience.
Listen to your body. Prioritize the things you need for wellbeing.
The Role of Regular Exercise
The Importance of a Balanced Diet
Your sex life is affected by what you eat, so eat healthy foods. Stay hydrated, enjoy plenty of plant-based food, not so much red meat, overly processed food, fatty foods, alcohol and sugary (including sugary or fake-sugary drinks). Why is this important? For the same reason you eat like this for heart health. In fact, heart health is deeply connected to the circulation we mentioned just now when we talked about exercise.
Sleep: The Underestimated Factor in Sexual Health
Prioritize good sleep! If you need to, sleep alone, naked, under cooling sheets and covers you can toss off if you’re having hot flashes). You’ve probably seen articles about “sleep hygiene”--these are all important suggestions too: limit caffeine, sweets, and alcohol, especially in the evening. No screens for an hour before bedtime. Sleep in a dark, quiet room with eye masks and ear plugs if they help. Try to sleep cool. Go to sleep and wake up at the same times every day.
Poor sleep quality messes up libido and can increase stress, brain fog, and emotional instability. Sleep is extremely important for your health and wellbeing, sexual and otherwise.
The Psychology of Healthy Sex Life
Sex isn’t just experienced in the body, but in the mind, too. Mental state, past and present, can affect how you experience sex and intimacy in the moment, but can also shape what sex means to you and how you understand it. Your sex life lives in your brain! And it can help or hinder your experience of sex depending on many factors.
How Mental Health Affects Your Sex Life
Many mental states, whether temporary or long-term, can have an impact on your sexuality. Just a few examples:
- If you have experienced trauma, you may live with PTSD. It makes sense that sexual trauma would affect our sexuality, but even non-sexual trauma can, too.
- Anxiety and depression can affect libido and arousal, as well as self-image, which in turn might have an effect. Meds for clinical depression can also affect sexual functioning.
- Manic states (including in those who are bipolar) can lead people into sexual situations they might or might not choose to explore otherwise.
- Neurodiverse people might find their sex lives impacted in certain ways.
- And of course drug use can affect our mental state in various ways that in turn can affect our decisions about and experience of sex.
How social attitudes affect your sex life
Depending on the societal context in which you were raised, you might have learned that sexuality can take diverse forms and that you can explore this in a healthy and consensual way–or that there is a right way and a wrong way to be a sexual person. This can impact issues like our identity, sense of self, experience of shame or self-acceptance, and more. In the US today, people are experiencing their sexuality and gender identity in quite different ways depending on the state they live in; social experience is important!
How your personal history affects your sex life
If you have had good modeling for your family and community and healthy attachments, plus no traumatic experience, your sexual and romantic experience as an adult might be quite different from someone with attachment issues and a history of sexual or other trauma. In addition to this, we carry messages with us that, especially when unexamined, may impact our sex lives and relationships.
What you believe about sex (and gender) affects your sex life
Continuing this thread from the above effects of history and social context, we emerge as adults with sex and relationship, among other things, meaning different things to us. We may believe everyone thinks the same way–but that’s not always the case, and this is one underlying reason we may need to determine if we’re really compatible with someone. In fact, we may need to figure out if what we think we know about sex and love–what we might understand as “normal”--is really as universally true as we think! (Spoiler: It very likely isn’t.)
The Importance of Good Communication
We mentioned communication above, and hopefully this post has helped make clear that there are so many things to communicate about. When you cannot open up to a partner, you cannot take steps to increase your intimacy together–and you may not then be able to represent yourself and any changes you undergo to them. Communication is everything for growing together as partners–and for determining if you are with an appropriate partner in the first place! Communication is arguably THE most important sexual skill there is.
Body Image and Sexual Confidence
A positive body image and healthy self-esteem are part of what allows us to “show up” for sex, be present, be in our bodies, and enjoy the experience. Regardless of our age, size, shape, and anything else about our physical bodies, avoiding shame and having an open and confident attitude can increase our comfort and pleasure. My book, Exhibitionism for the Shy, explores confidence in the bedroom - it may help!
Overcoming Sexual Anxieties and Disorders
We are not therapists or doctors, so we can’t give you actionable advice beyond what we’ve already given. But we can tell you how important it can be to find the right doctor and/or therapist–one who takes you, your health and your sexuality seriously. This can change your life!
Cultivating a Healthy Sex Life
All the points we’ve made here give you starting places for introspection, self-understanding, talking intimately with your partner/s, and insight for change. Every one of us can, step by step, live a healthier life with greater sexual comfort, pleasure, and wellbeing–we just have to recognize we would benefit from that change.
