A+ Orgasms

The simplified way to think of an orgasm is as a pleasurable peak of sexual sensation. This means for most people, during masturbation or turned-on sex, arousal will get stronger and the pleasure will get more intense until the sensation climaxes. This actually happens in your brain, but it will usually feel a lot like it is centered in the genitals--partly because often the stimulation is focused there, but also because it is common for the pelvic floor muscles to pulse rhythmically while orgasm is happening, and can even cause ejaculation.

People sometimes expect so much from orgasms (especially after watching or reading porn) that a not-so-huge orgasm isn't even recognized as such! Not all orgasms are eye-rolling, sheet-clutching, OMG-shouting explosions. Yay for the ones that are (at least, if your walls aren't too thin), but we think pretty much all wanted orgasms are better than no orgasms at all! Try to tune in to your bodily sensations and let go of expecting your orgasms to be a certain way--and this will help put you on the path to better orgasms, because you will be more aware of your physical experiences and the ways you respond to different erotic stimuli.

We're so glad you asked! There are several elements to orgasm that are at least partly under your control.

• Awareness: Don’t get all up in your head, and instead, allow yourself to focus on the sensations you’re experiencing. Thinking instead of feeling can be associated with less erotic responsiveness and arousal. (Thinking extremely sexy thoughts--fantasizing--is an exception. That can be a plus.)
• Arousal: Arousal is absolutely key to orgasm and if you are not turned on, orgasm can be difficult or even impossible to experience. As you tune in to your body's messages, follow the turn-on.
• Permission: Pay attention to what works for you, what is arousing and gives you pleasure, and allow your body to chase that without expectations. Many people believe there is one specific way we all should have sex and respond. But that's a myth! People can be very different in regards to what they enjoy sexually. There is no ONE experience to strive for--instead, go for what lifts your sense of arousal.

Knowing yourself and your responses is important--and so is communicating that information to any partners you might have. Mind-reading is a really romantic fantasy, and while some people can tune into their partner's arousal, the most fool-proof way for them to know how you’re feeling is to be direct. For some partners, that idea that there is one great trick for orgasm prevents them from actually realizing what we do like. So we should talk about it!

Part of this process can also involve exploring and experimenting. Some people who have a hard time orgasming find that switching positions, moving their pelvis, breathing more deeply, fantasizing, making sounds, and trying a vibrator are good strategies.

And don’t forget foreplay! It takes some time for the body to become highly aroused. You can try to hurry it with techniques or toys, which might work to an extent. But the strongest orgasms happen after some build-up, making duration of play a very pro-erotic (and -orgasmic!) factor. 

The orgasm gap refers to research that shows those assigned male at birth (AMAB) may be statistically more likely to reach orgasm during sex than those assigned female at birth (AFAB). This is especially true with heterosexual partner sex (specifically vaginal penetration, aka P-in-V), because of the idea that P-in-V alone is always enough to get both partners to climax, but often, there’s so much more to it.

• Clit play: Without sufficient clitoral stimulation, many AFAB folks will not (or not reliably) orgasm. The clitoris is comparable to the penis in being primary sex organs.
• Get aroused: If a partner with a vulva isn't already pretty aroused before penetration, intercourse alone may not allow for the build needed to O. So don't skip the pleasure beforehand! Whether you call it foreplay or arousal activity or just hot--follow the turn-on!
• COMMUNICATE: Be tuned in to each others' pleasure. Communicate, watch for physical signals like skin flushing, muscle tension, and heavy breathing--and ask/tell each other if it's time for intercourse (or if it has gone on too long).
• Be Honest: AKA don't fake it. This just teaches your partner to believe things get you off... that don't in fact get you off. Not everyone comes every time they play, and that’s OK! Sex can still be pleasure-filled and super enjoyable, even without a climax.