Orgasm During Vaginal Sex

By: Good Vibrations

"Dear Good Vibrations,

How do you orgasm during vaginal sex?

–Fucking, Not Coming"

The two most important prerequisites to coming during intercourse are achieving a very high arousal state during the act, and the ability to come already. While there are surely those who have had (or are yet to have) their first orgasm during vaginal penetration, many more will discover other kinds of play allow them to come more readily. But the ability to orgasm will build neural pathways that allow future orgasm to happen, so any orgasm is likely to open the door to more (and often easier-to-achieve) climaxes.

There's going to be some gendered language here, but let me explicitly say that transmen and non-binary folks may also experience orgasm through vaginal penetrative play, though they may well use different language for it than “vaginal” sex. And as we talk about intercourse, the points I'll make will be relevant for penis-in-vagina sex--but also for those using strap-ons to pleasure their partner.

The discussion about whether clitoral and vaginal orgasms are different goes back to Freud, at least, and very likely beyond. Are vaginal orgasms better or more mature? Is a clitoral orgasm the only actual kind of orgasm there is? These are interesting questions for sex researchers and theorists, but for those actually having sex, they tend to be pretty confusing.

Lately, the sexological thinking is this: there are two separate nerve paths that can facilitate orgasm — actually more than two, since some people are orgasmic from nipples, anus, toes, but let’s leave that aside for a moment and concentrate on vaginal and clitoral stimulation. There isn’t much acreage separating these two areas, and as has long been pointed out, vaginal penetration almost always involves at least some clitoral stimulation — maybe not enough to trigger orgasm, but enough to add arousal and extra sensation. So one strategy for learning to come during intercourse is to maximize the clitoral contact you have with your partner’s body.

Some do this successfully in the “woman astride” AKA cowgirl position, while others prefer the missionary position variant known as the “coital alignment technique“: it involves your partner “riding high” and adding penile pressure to your clitoris during intercourse. A variant of this involves very close body contact during missionary position sex: instead of keeping your legs widely spread for your partner, wrap your ankles around their calves while they're inside you, which will pull your bodies very closely together. There are also kinds of sex furniture that you can get clitoral stimulation from, including ones that can carry a vibrator.

Of course, you can just reach down and add clitoral stimulation yourself (by hand or via a vibe) during practically any intercourse position — in fact, you should, because adding the kind of stimulation your body recognizes and responds to will aid you in learning how to come in a new way. This method is well-recognized by sex therapists. Use clitoral stimulation to get to high arousal; add vaginal penetration and get to as high an arousal point as possible that way; add clitoral stimulation again until you’re able to come. Gradually, as your body associates orgasmic response with vaginal penetration and high levels of arousal, it’s quite possible that you won’t need to add direct clitoral stimulation any longer. Not that there’s anything wrong with doing so — you both probably have hands, and that’s a great way to use at least one of them.

And this brings me back around to the question of arousal. Without sufficient arousal, vaginal orgasm is very unlikely to happen, and many couples rush it and engage in vaginal penetration before they’re aroused enough. People often think they need to increase the length of time they engage in intercourse to ensure orgasm, when in fact what they need to spend more time doing is everything arousing, pre-penetration. This may mean different things to different people. But you can’t skip it if you want to come during vaginal intercourse.

Two more things. You may want to add dildo play to masturbation, if you don’t already do that. And finally, adding erotic stimulation of any kind during intercourse may up the chances or orgasm: erotic talk, fantasy, porn, nipple or anal stimulation, passionate kissing... lots of things can work.

And once you incorporate all these ideas into your lovemaking and determine which of them work best for you, stop thinking about it and just do it! Many thwart their orgasmic ability by staying too “in their heads” during sex rather than focusing on the sensations.

I’ve recommended it before, and here I go again: I Love Female Orgasm by Dorian Solot and Marshall Miller is a great book.